how to eat a cupcake - a tutorial

first, see how wide your mouth will open

next, look pensive while you try not to gag

slowly chew while trying very hard not to let crumbs fall out of your mouth

give a pained expression while you swallow that last little bit

ah, success

by kurt hoyer

What Didn't Make the Cut

Over 100 Christmas cards to over 20 states - here are some of the pictures you won't be getting in the mail :-)

Friday Funnies

Just a couple 'a funny things to end the week. Cause it's always better to end with the funny stuff. Beats the alternative.
*Kurt has taken to getting his own shoes on. Is it too much to ask for EITHER a pair OR the right feet? I thought so.

*Gretchen asked her Daddy this week, "What was the most difficult thing you did in math as a kid?" My smart-a$$ hubby responds, "Wait for all the other kids to finish." (The funniest thing about that is I'm quite sure it's true.)

*Kurt has gotten really into painting with his sparkly watercolor paints this week. He loves it...can spend up to 30 minutes doing it (which is just short of an eternity for a two year old). The problem? He likes to drink the water when he's finished. I told Gustav not to be alarmed if he spies a sparkly poop. Cause you know, that might be disturbing. (Did I just type 'poop' on my blog?)

*A Christmas Story has been a favorite this week on the extraordinary, life-changing XBox live feed from Netflix. Kurt has been heard to spurt out, "It's a major award!" more than once during his quiet play.

*Our poor Gretchen has been down with some kind of flu for the past 2 weeks. High fevers on and off, aches, cough, sore throat. When I mentioned to my beloved that it sounded like it may be swine flu, Gustav asked if she felt the need to oink. At her negative reply he assured me that it cannot possibly be swine flu. Did I mention he was a smart...

*The dog ate my squash, spinach, and radishes from the garden this week. Apparently, he has become vegan. The kids actually watched me fall apart at the seams and I do think there was a moment or two where they legitimately feared for the dog's life.

*Kurt has fallen in love with "the blue doggy", a.k.a. Blues Clues, this week. He asked for it 742 times per day, give or take. During one of thos times this week I calmly responded, "Mommy said no," to his insistent question. To which he calmly responded, "Kurties says yes." Well, there it is. He got me.

He also stated this week "I don't want to 'cause I don't want to." Toddlers have such a knack for saying what everyone else is thinking, no?

Have a funny-filled weekend, people.

Funny Things

There's nothing like a little humor to keep a mom on her toes. Here's a sampling from my home this week (and it's only Tuesday!):

*This morning, upon opening the refrigerator door I was greeted by a plastic cup full of what looked like fruit punch. Taped to the front of the cup there was a sign which read: "DON'T DRINK! Red paint and water." Um, thanks for the heads-up. I'm not sure why the shorter Hoyers feel compelled to refrigerate their paint in drinking cups, of all things. Ah, best not to ask.

*My dear friend Karen and I managed to bang out about 67 details via email in a ten minute span of time this morning. Who needs phones? All this while she was preparing for a dinner party for 30 and I was washing sheets, dusting, and answering a scary-long queue of email. And they say multi-tasking is a myth. Ha!

*Again this morning (it's been a funny day, I guess) while I was out talking to the landscapers who are still trying to get the irrigation right in our yard, my darling two-year old comes gallumphing out wearing nothing but Thomas the Tank Engine underwear and orange Crocs. On the wrong feet. Nice.

*Gabriel has been trying to train Oliver (the dog) to follow some basic commands. Sit. Stay. You get the idea. While working so hard on this endeavor I hear Gabriel say, in all sincerity, "Now Oliver, close your eyes..." Apparently, he's trying to help Oliver find his inner puppy.

*Nicholas returns home from Camp Pa today. He will be bringing with him 20 new pairs of socks which Pa bought him. 20! My father-in-law hasn't had kids in a very. long. time. Can you imagine if all seven of us had 20 pairs of new socks? We'd have to add on to the house.

*Oliver lost a tooth this week. We had to put it in a plastic baggie, which has been on my kitchen counter for 48 hours. I like to think of it as a diet aid. I go in the kitchen to get a snack, see the bloody puppy tooth, exit the kitchen with no snack. It's brilliant!

*This past Sunday night I was forced to break out the vacuum to vacuum up copious quantities of skin on my carpet. Why, you ask? Seven people of northern European descent + 7 hours at the beach on the 4th of July = lots of nasty, peeling skin a few days later. My children were obsessed with pulling the peeling skin off of their arms and shoulders and tossing it on the floor. Gross. Ew. Yuck.

Laughingly,

Potty-Training 101

A condensed and moderately humorous look at potty-training (from someone who has done this five times.)

(1) Keep the child naked from the waist down. This will facilitate those frantic running-for-the-bathroom-before-he-finishes dashes. Just be sure to pick him up facing AWAY from you. This is very important.

(2) Keep a stack of books in the bathroom to keep him occupied while you "wait." Don't worry, though, he'll pick the same book every time. Danny and the Dinosaur gets really annoying when you've read it six times in two hours.

(3) Have a small container of M&M's on the back of the toilet for rewarding successes. Or for making yourself feel better after no successes at all. A little chocolate never hurt.

(4) Stay positive. Despite what it feels like, he really will get it eventually. Push those nightmarish thoughts of coaxing your 18 year old college freshman to "put his pee-pee's in the potty" right out of your head.

(5) Praise for a job well done, but, for heaven's sake, don't scare him. The first time my current 2 year old pooped in the potty I screamed so loud I made him cry.

(6) Those aren't pee-stains on my carpet, it's where my son marked his territory!

(7) When you pull off the soggy Thomas-the-Tank-Engine underpants make a super-duper sad face and say, "Thomas is SO, SO sad that he's covered in pee. Wow, he reeaalllly didn't want this to happen. He thought for sure you'd put it in the potty." Because if personifying a silk-screened face on the tush of a 2T pair of underpants is going to get the job done, I'm game.

(8) Enjoy the ride, because soon he'll be learning to drive. And then you will long for the easy-peasy days of potty-training.

Ode to the First Day of School (or Why I Love a Schedule)

I cannot stand those days
When the husband calls and asks,
“What's going on at home today?
Have you accomplished any tasks?”

“Well, let me see,” I say at last
For surely there must be
Something accomplished, something done
By little 'ol homemaking me.

“Alas,” I sigh, I cannot think
Of anything worthy of sharing.
“I surely spent my time somehow.”
My ego is despairing.

For all I seem to be able to claim
As the day turns into night
Is that the children were somewhat meagerly fed
And didn't kill one other as they might.

No one died or broke out in hives
Or needed glue or stitches.
So all in all the day was great
And transpired with very few glitches.

How can hours and hours go by
And stress me to no end
And nothing get accomplished?
What does this portend?

Whoever said of summer
It's lazy days refresh
Has not lived inside my house
Or dwelled inside this flesh.

Well, excuse me if I'm prudish
But I really don't agree.
A fairly rigid schedule
Is just the thing for me.

You see, I have these little ducks
As many of you know.
And, boy, this mama's much more calm
When they're lined up in a row.

For lazy days are wonderful
Once or twice a year.
But give me days of structured work
And see me jump and cheer.

So bring it on: the school, the chores,
the grumblin' and complainin.'
I'd take it happily any day
Over these summer days of playin'.

I've bought stacks of paper for making lists
(Don't any of you summer-lovers scoff)
And eagerly anticipate the coming days
Of happily crossing things off!

What I Learned Yesterday...

I learned some very important things yesterday. I thought maybe they could benefit some of you out there!

(1) When a child decides to color his face with washable markers so that he looks like an alien, certain colors wash off better than others. A word of advice: Steer your children toward green and red and away from purple and yellow.

(2) Ingesting dog food won't hurt a 9 month old, but it just might make him gag.

(3) When a mama of five doesn't exercise in the morning, she is considerable more irritable for the whole day.

(4) Ditto on said mama going to bed at midnight and waking up at 5:30AM.

(5) Children can have more fun with a digital camera that records sound than they should.

(6) When one offers a seminary student coffee at 7:30PM, and he has been up since 4:00AM, you don't have to be be up front with the information that it's decaf. unless he asks. Let the psychological effect do its thing.

(7) Parsing Latin sentences causes one of my children to weep like a baby.

(8) It is very difficult, nigh impossible, to write a novel when there is a nine year old standing over your left shoulder asking incessant questions. All day.

(9) Kids will eat artichokes, if you cut them up small enough.

(10) You may have a 52-in. wide screen T.V., but watching a movie on Daddy's laptop, now THAT's exciting!!

(11) God is so good...something that is TRUE every day, yet I must be reminded of constantly.


So, what did you learn today?

A Jonah Day

Are you familiar with that phrase? It's from Anne of Green Gables, my most favoritist book of all time. All right, so today wasn't really THAT bad, but it did fall considerably short of expectations.

Because the children (all SIX of them!!) are addicted to playing mystery computer games together, and because we didn't get home from church until 8:00 last night, and because they were at a particularly suspenseful place in said game, they did not go to bed until late. Very late.

And that error in judgment caused some adverse affects today. In a nutshell it was a whinygrumblingcomplainingunhappylifeis
notfairwhycan'tIjustread? kind of day. Familiar with those? Yep, I thought so.

So, because I am just as stubborn as my children, we managed to complete school. I was so internally frazzled that I poured my kids a nice big cold cup of half and half with their lunch. Yeah, that went over like a lead balloon.

And then I insisted on Family Nap Time. What? You're going to make us NAP?

Yup.

So after the whining, grumbling, complaining, unhappy, life-is-not-fair, why can't I just read's? were over, I tucked them all in, gave them all kisses, grabbed a pillow and a blanket, and settled down for my own nap. And then do you know what happened?




The baby woke up.



But not in one of those cooing-aren't-I-so-adorable? kind of ways. No. He woke in one of those How-Dare-You-Expect-Me-To-Sleep-Why-
Did-God-Punish-Me-By-Putting-Me-In-
This-Family? kind of way. He has learned the art of the blood-curdling screeeeeech. He's got a future in horror films.

So, I blogged instead of sleeping. Maybe my blogging is causing some of you to become sleepy. Well, I figure it's a less sinful way of responding than, say, eating a whole pan of brownies by myself. Right?

God is still good. I still ADORE my little people. And I echo the sentiments of this Daddy...

Why Don't You Want to Say Good Night?

Just so you know, Kurt is back in his bed.

And everyone else is up.

Just to leave off where I began, with Anne of Green Gables. "Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it. Yet."

You know it'll be an interesting day when...

It's 9AM. You're still in your jammies. You get yourself a nice warm cup of coffee...the last in the pot... as you sit to nurse the baby. After nursing said baby, you get up to change his diaper. While away, the bad, bad beagle drinks your coffee. Every. Last. Sip.

Doesn't he look guilty?

For the Love of Coffee...

Yep, we've got another coffee addict in the family! He's actually woken us up early to ask that someone please make him some coffee! Recently, Gretchen and Lillian made me a pot of coffee while I was sleeping in after a long night with Kurt (bless their hearts!). The coffee was perfect, despite the fact that they had never made it before. When I asked them how they could possibly have known how to make coffee, Gretchen stated, "Gabriel showed us." Not bad for a three year old!